The Art of Speech

     As a practicing Muslim I believe that the Qur'an was sent to guide us through this life. It was not sent merely to be repeated and recited, but as a source of knowledge and enlightenment. One of the most recent lessons I have learned was brought to my attention by a speech given in a small masjed in the USA. Out of everything the speaker could have talked about he chose one verse: "عَلَّمَهُ الْبَيَانَ" - roughly translated this means "The Art of Speech"-. He then gave four simple building blocks to establish good communication: the person is more important than the point, being kind is better than being right, say what you mean and mean what you say, listening is more important than speaking.

      The person is more important than the point. As rudimentary as this seems it is often the first mistake people make (myself included). We get so caught up in trying to prove our point we stop caring about the person and fixate on being "Right" and convincing the other person to abandon their "False" point of  view. First, it is paramount to understand that it is a point of view. Second, evaluate the importance of what is being communicated, is it a deep seated belief or just an afterthought. Third, know who you are talking to, if the person talking to you is not willing to communicate in a respectful way, end the conversation and stop wasting your breath. It will only escalate and could ruin the relationship. The person is more important than the point.

     Being kind is better than being right. Words can cut deeper than any sword, so always remember to be kind. The way you communicate is just as important as what you are communicating. No matter how sound your point of view is ! it is useless of you are shouting. It is equally useless if your face is twisted with rage. Body language is just as important (if not more) than the words you choose. A loving smile can turn the worse of conversations into a happy one. Always remember that conversations happen between two unique people with different backgrounds. Being thoughtful, kind, and warm is better than being right.

قال رسول الله صلى الله عليه وسلم: أنا زعيم ببيت في ربض الجنة لمن ترك المراء وإن كان محقا، وببيت في وسط الجنة لمن ترك الكذب وإن كان مازحاً، وببيت في أعلى الجنة لمن حسن خلقه.

      Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Once you say something, you can never take it back. Think before you permanently effect your relationship with the person you are talking to. This is also true about saying something you don't believe in just to "win" an argument. Meaning what you say includes keeping promises, no matter how small, talking about your emotions, because we aren't mind readers and cant read them for you. Body language helps, but it is still an educated guess and not as good. Say what you mean and mean it!

     Listening is more important than speaking. This last one is the most important by far. We have all done it, the person is talking and all we do is prepare counters to what they are saying. Sometimes we let them continue, sometimes we interrupt them, but everytime we aren't listening. We only pay attention to the points we want to counter, the rest is turned into "bla bla bla". Hearing is NOT listening! I would venture and say that 90% of miscommunication is due to lack of listening. One party talks the other prepares counters and no one is listening. It is said that in the first year of marriage the woman talks and the man listens. The second year the man talks and the woman. The third year the man talks, the woman talks and the neighbors listen.


     Life is meaningless without communication. So please take the time to work on becoming a better communicator. It will enhance your life in every way imaginable.

Nice or too Nice?

     I have always been described as an open book. I say what I feel and am very open with my opinions and life goals. This was second nature to me. I saw no reason to lie, or even conceal my actions. All of this I did because I wanted to be nice. to never hurt someones feelings and to avoid conflict. However, I am starting to believe I was wrong.


     I have become skeptical of whether this approach to life is the right approach. I found that the more information people have about you the more they tend to use and abuse it. Yes some friends will get to know you better and will cherish your presence and be equally honest. But I am talking about those times when you are in a group or amongst people who are not particularly friends or are friends that tend to talk even to untrustworthy people. Its a sad fact but some people no matter how much you love them just cant keep it to themselves and others are just too curious and pry where they should not.


     In the last year I have learned that no matter how nice, honest and pure your intentions are it sometimes doesn't matter. Not everyone has your best interest at heart. I also learned that some people want to impose their way of life on you, so the more they know the more interference they run on those elements of your life they disapprove of. I also learned that some people are just evil! they will spin a web of lies and imaginations that even G.R.R Martin would be proud. These people will hurt you, because sadly very seldom do I find people that have the "Not So Common Sense" to brush away rumors and baseless suspicions. Au contraire they take these lies and half truths and knock down facts and truths!


     Moreover, it simply becomes a headache to have to explain your point of view over and over to people who only seek to "Win the argument". Therefore, I have started to resort to the use of  "I am sorry, that's none of your business\ That doesn't concern you"  or "Why do you ask?" or "Whats with the 1001 questions?". People tend to either drop the subject or say "I only wanted to start a conversation" to which I reply "then lets talk about something other than what I am up to". Yes at first I was heartbroken to resort to such methods. I believed that I was being "sketchy", dishonest, and just rude. However, I also found that without all of that information about me out there in the open I have less lies thrown at me and much less conspiracy theories. The people that had nothing better to do then create elaborate stories about me and my life lost interest.


     So in the end for me it sort of worked out. I still don't always like to resort to such tactics, but I have learned that trust, honesty and being nice are double edged swords than can and will stab you in the back.

Quotes / اقتباسات

تدوينة عن أجمل الاقتباسات 

Our experiences do count for something and give us a perspective that can be wise and unique. others may try to take this perspective away from us, yet it is only when we deny its true value that we forfeit a part of our identity. Trust your perceptions and don’t be too busy to have them. ~ pageaday.com 

الأنوثة بين الضعف و القوة

الأنوثة في معجم المعاني هي ما يميّز الأنثى عن الذكر في الصفات الخُلقية و الخَلقية ، لكن ذلك لا يعني أن لا يتشاركون جميعهما في بعض الخصل، مشاركتها لبعض لا يعني أنّ أيٌّ منهما أصبح شاذاً عن جنسه ، بالعكس قد يعني ذلك أنّ كلاهما مستقل بذاته بحيث يمكنه العيش بدون الآخر في إحدى النواحي المعينة، توضح هذه المقالة جزء مبسط عن علاقة بين فتاة تربت على أيدي رجال و أثرها في التغيير على حياتها..

كانت لاما قريبة من والدها منذ الصغر حتى تخرجت من الجامعة ، وكانت الفتاة الوحيدة بين أطفال العائلة الذكور لفترة طويلة من العمر حتى أصبح من الصعوبة عليها التأقلم مع بنات جنسها.. لاحظت ذلك خلال انتقالها بين المراحل الدراسية  ، و استمر الوضع حتى مرحلة الجامعة وما بعدها ، كان أبرز ما تلاحظه هو الفروقات الكبيرة ما بين التعامل مع زميلاتها و بين زملائها.. تعلمت منها حقيقة بساطة التعامل مع الرجل و درجة تعقيد التعامل مع الأنثى ،لنفترض الحوار التالي لموظفين في نفس المنصب : 

أ-رفعت سماعة الهاتف، وطلبت تحويلة المسؤول: لو سمحت أحتاج ملف بخصوص موضوع الترجمة بأسرع وقت، يرد الرجل: إن شاء الله, أبشري.

ب- رفعت  سماعة الهاتف، وطلبت  تحويلة المسؤولة : هلا ، كيف الحال؟ إن شاء الله بخير؟ كيف الأولاد و الدوام ؟  لو سمحتي أحتاج ملف بخصوص موضوع الترجمة ، وياريت لو ترسلينه بأسرع وقت ممكن لأن الموضوع مستعجل و ضروري ننتهي منه اليوم،ومساعدتك ما نستغني عنها بحكم مركزك و ماشاء الله عليك ماراح تقصرين معنا، ترد: أشوف إذا أقدر أرسله اليوم .

قد يعتبرها الكثيرون بصمة سيئة قد تؤدي إلى ظهور بعض صفات الرجولة أحياناً في تصرفاتها .. لكن في نهاية المراد ستكون هي المسؤولة عن البيت في حال غياب الوالدين ، يعتمد عليها في السفر و حمل الأمتعة و الأوراق الرسمية ، في حالات الطوارئ تكون هي أول شخص يسارع في الـ فزعة * ، قد تتقلد منصب هام بحكم معرفتها لحدود العلاقة بين الجنسين و طريقتها في التعامل في حالة تعدي أحدهم على حدود الشخص الآخر، عندما يكون هناك توازن بين كفة العقل و العواطف فقد قالت مستشارة العلاقات في إحدى كتبها الشهيرة: 

A man's brain has a more difficult time shifting from thinking to feeling than a women's brain does.

~ Barbara De Angelis

عقل الرجل يواجه صعوبة أكثر من عقل المرأة في الإنتقال بين الحالة العقلانية و العاطفية.

~ باربرا دي أنجيلز 

ختاماً: للأنوثة تفسير لدى الرجل ، وللرجولة مفهوم لدى المرأة وكلاهما يتأرجح بين الضعف والقوة، القوة لا تعني إرتفاع الصوت، الهيمنة، أو الغرور.. بل القوة في أن تكون المرأة أنثى  بذكاء وحكمة بحيث تعرف متى تنصت و متى تتكلم، تفرض احترامها و تضع حدودها ، وأهمهم أن يكون العلم أول عامود في أعمدة حياتها.

* فزعة: من النجدة و المسارعة في مساعدة المحتاج و أحيانا تكون بدون معرفة السبب، تنتشر هذه الكلمة بين الوسط الشبابي.

Food for Thought

     The longer I live the more enticed I become by the beauty of our minds. Yet, my mind is boggled at how this amazing mind can be used so carelessly. Science in all of its glory still can not fully comprehend our minds. It is still baffled with how we think and in which ways we think. Some believe that language controls thoughts, others say its the other way around. After a lot of reading and some thinking of my own, I have come to like a certain theory.


       The theory in simple terms states that we all think in boxes. These boxes are preset from our childhood. The logic behind this is that the human mind has categories for everything (boxes). Everything must fit into a box first before we can begin to process it. Each box comes with its own set of rules and emotions (also preset) based on personal preference. Now these boxes are not always accompanied by language. Now what do we do when something doesn't fit into a box? For example, a friend who you neither love or hate. Or a person who is not an enemy or an ally, they are in between.


      I believe that this vision of the mind does explain a lot. But I would like to add my own opinion to it. I think that as a theory this is one way the mind works (one of many). I believe that this theory is easiest to convince other of because this is how we are told the world is growing up. Black and White. Then when we become older we are told that that is not the case, and that life is more shades of gray. 


      The thing about this Box view is that we tend to never change or create new boxes as we grow older. We still believe and hold onto our preset boxes. Not because we can't create new ones, but because it requires deep meditation and a considerable amount of thought and self-knowledge. Another major problem we face in the 21st century is that you CAN NOT GOOGLE this. Your personal opinions and boxes can not be googled they are subjective.

      
     The key I believe to understanding the human mind is simple. FIND a COLOR WHEEL! Life, the world, and even our thought process is colored. Its not black and white. Each color is unique, yet similar to others. We all share a hue of black and white (light and darkness), the need for food and water, the need for social interaction (talking to yourself is a social act).


      Once we start to think in color and break away from the rigidness of black a white, we will start to see much more than we could. Perspective, will creep into your mind and give you new insights. You will be more adapt at reading your own emotions and the subtle yet critical emotions that drive you.

كم تسوى حياتك ؟

      مرة قال لي والدي بأن ننتبه عندما نكون مارّين في إحدى الطرق السريعة فقد يقفز أحد العمالات الأجنبية فجأة بدون سابق إنذار من بين الشجيرات التي تفصل ما بين الطريق حتى لا ينتبه السائق لظهور أحدهم أمامه و يسقط جثة هامدة ! قرر أن ينهي حياته هذا العامل حتى  تُدفع ديّة لأهله مقدارها مليون ريال .. ضحّى بحياته لأن راتبه لا يكفي لسد احتياجاته المعيشية في هذا البلد غير أنّ الباقي لن يكفي ليرسله لأهله الذين ينتظرون رجوعه و الشوق يقتلهم لسماع أخباره .. لكنه انتحر! .. يبدو أن نفس واحدة نقصت و لكن عائلة كاملة ستعيش عيشة كريمة بسبب تضحيته " الإنتحارية" ! هل ما فعله إيثار لنفسه حتى يعيش غيره ؟ هل ستفعل الشيء نفسه لو لم يكن عاقبة الإنتحار النار ؟

ثبت في الصحيحين عن النبي عليه الصلاة والسلام – أنه قال: "من قتل نفسه بحديدة فحديدته في يده في نار جهنم يجأبها بطنه خالداً مخلداً فيها أبدا، ومن قتل نفسه بسم فسمه في يده يتحساه في نار جهنم خالداً مخلداً فيها أبدا، ومن تردى في جبل فإنه يتردى في جهنم خالداً مخلداً فيها" رواه البخاري و مسلم

      ما قيمتك بالدنيا ؟ هل تسوى بليون ،اثنين ، عشرة ، ألف .. إلخ من الأرقام الهائلة التي لن تضمن لك عيشة هنيئة و راحة البال ، يقال بأن من لديه المال يستطيع شراء ما يريد حتى الأحبة ليشاركوه فرحته ، لكن هل يستطيع شراء السعادة  و الصحة؟  كم من ثريٍّ تبرع بثروته للحيوانات اللاجئة كأنه يعلم بأن الثروة تعتبر نقمة أكثر من أن تكون نعمة !  هناك من يقيس قيمته و أهمية وجوده بعدد أصحابه  في الشبكات الاجتماعية ( فيسبوك -تويتر-متابعين يوتيوب ..الخ) و الذين يعتبرون حقيقة أكثر عدداً من الأصدقاء الفعليّين !

 قرأت أحد الكتب و كان فيه الكثير من الحكم ومنها "المرء يكسب الناس عن طريق إحدى الثلاث : المال ، الحب  ، أو الخوف "~ Game of Thrones.

فكيف كسبت الأشخاص حولك ؟ الأب قد يكسب عائلته  بماله ، و الأم بحبها لهم لكن من ذا الذي يكسبهم بطغيانه و زرع الخوف في أعماقهم حتى لا يتم تجاوزه ؟ ربما الأخ الأكبر، المدرسين ، المدير و من لديه سلطة على رسم حدود لتصرفاتك ومعاقبتك عليها! 

نرجع لموضوعنا ، كم تسوى حياتك أجيالنا القادمة ما مصيرهم عندما يتم تربيتهم من الآن على أنّ المال هو أساس الحياة؟ ما مدى سطحية تفكيرهم الذي سيكون بناءاً عليه قراراتهم المستقبلية ؟ هل سيلعب الحظ دوره في تعليمهم مبادئ و قيم الحياة أم سيضلون تائيين في قوقعتهم الشفافة ؟ 

Three Letters to Madness - Part Two

     I left the last post with an open end question I promised to answer in this post. The question of what do I want? I believe that to find out what we want we must first ask the second three letter word of madness; How. To be more specific “How do you feel”. By feel I mean both emotionally and logically (mentally). So let’s jump into it.

     Many times people will tell you one of the greatest lies ever; that you are the most honest when you are drunk, high, or angry (an extreme state). You announce your “true” feelings or opinion on the matter at hand. This is almost as bad as people believing that to give into our primal instincts and urges is to be free! How we feel is a question that has created an entire science and economy around it; from psychology to self help books to movies and T.V shows. It’s all there to make the answer easier. You either belong in one of these boxes we have created for you.

     Why do we trust others with our emotions? Because we don’t trust ourselves, admit it most of us at some point or another found comfort in just going with what people said. It absolves us of all faults. I was tricked! I did what they wanted me to! How you feel should never be left for others. It’s yours and only yours. Then why is it so confusing? Don’t I know myself?

     Yes as a matter of fact you do. You just fall into the same mistake we all did. We believed in one true everlasting right answer. The reality is that there is no “one everlasting truth” everything changes. How we feel is an ever changing phenomena it is situational. God Himself does not change and if He does we would not know, however, what does change is how we feel about God. When young we ask for strength and fun, then we seek wisdom and a career, then it’s a wife and kids, then life to see them grow up… etc. This example is just one of many. Who we are and How we feel are not questions with one answer, but a novel with many chapters.